Caricature de Noob (attention post long mais très drôle ^^ )

Voila en groupé (et en anglais), une étude sur les Noobs issue d'un post sur allakhazam, c'est hilarant:

How to Speak Noob:

Hello, fellow adventurers. During your many travels through our beautiful land of Vana'diel, you may come across a very special and unique creature: the n00b.

The n00b is a remarkable creature as it disguises itself as a regular citizen of Vana'diel. This is the n00b's primary form of attack as it will allow the wily n00b to get quite close to you before inflicting damage. Luckily, their disguises are usually poor and can be identified as their armor may be several levels out of date. Also, the n00b disguise is based on a sad misunderstanding our common culture as their equipment may not reflect the job they are trying to portray.

Be careful not to confuse a n00b with a similar species known as the newb. Newbs can be distinguished from n00bs by their use of proper grammar and good manners.

A n00b can be identified by it's distinct call. This call can be heard from quite a distance as most n00bs seem to only communicate through /shout. If you listen carefully, you may be fortunate enough to spot a n00b.

Here are some examples of common n00b calls:

"PLZ can i hav sum gilz!!!"
"Sum1 buy my sword!!!"
"Ne girlz wanna ciber?!!"

Now, once you have identified a n00b, I must recommend that you stay as far away as possible. Unless you have a great deal of experience with n00bs, any interaction may be harmful to both your physical and mental well being.

If, however, you choose to interact with a n00b, this simple translation guide may help you. Here is a look at a simple conversation with a n00b including a n00b to english translation.

You>> Hello there. How are you?

N00b>> wow u r rich. Can I have gilz? (english: I notice that you have nice gear and wonder if you might be able to aid me in acquiring my own gear)

You>> No, no, good sir. I worked for my gil. You may not have it.

N00b>> but you gotz lotz!!! (english: I understand your feelings on the matter, but find it difficult to actually acquire my own gil)

You>> I know, but I cannot just give you money.

N00b>> N00B!!! (english: apparently I am confused and think you may be a member of my species. Do you know Fred?)

You>> I apologize for the misunderstanding. I am not a n00b.

N00b>> STFU!!! (english: I am of a differing opinion and feel that it might be best if we agree to disagree)

As you can see from the above conversation, interspecies communication with a n00b can prove highly difficult.

In all interactions with a n00b, please take care to leave the n00b as you found it. Their social structure is quite fragile and any assistance you may provide may raise them to a new and dangerous level: the ferocious asshat.

Thank you for your time. Remember: have your n00bs spayed or neutered.


As an addendum to this guide, I would like to point out that another problem may arise when communicating with n00bs.

Because the n00b disguise is fairly similar to what an actual person might wear, it is common that n00bs may suffer from an identity crisis. Indeed, the majority of n00bs may believe they are not n00bs. Fooled by their own disguise, they assume that since they resemble an good player, they must be a good player.

We are currently conducting a study on whether this is based on naturally low intelligence or the result of several blows to the head as a child. Results are pending.

Here is an example of a common interaction with a n00b undergoing an identity crisis. Please note that our researcher is careful not to identify the creature as a n00b for fear it might grow defensive and assume an attack posture.

You>> I do not mean to bother you, but are you aware that you have an underleveled sub?

N00b>> STFU i r teh 1337. (english: You must be mistaken, good sir or madam. I believe myself to be a quite a good player. On an unrelated matter, I also apparently enjoy math)

It is at this point our researcher realizes that this n00b is going through an identity crisis. Let's watch what happens.

You>> I simply mean that a 15 warrior with a level 2 white mage sub may not be as effective.

N00b>> OMG u sux0rz. (english: I am not pleased with your last remark)

You>> I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

N00b>> ???? u in ur ????ing ??? you ????ing ???? (english: apology accepted and I hope you have a good day)

It is at this point that the n00b will usually become frightened and run away. Commonly, this will be accompanied by threats of retribution from a non-existant level 75 "friend".


Episode 3: Understanding the n00b

As many of you may understand, it can be quite frustrating to find, communicate with and eventually train a n00b. Looking on such a pitiful creature, it is quite common to take a more philanthropic approach to interaction and attempt to work with a n00b that they might find a place in society.

This is bad.

One of the key characteristics of the n00b species is their complete inability to learn new ideas. Imagine the old phrase "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", but replace the dog with a brick or cheese sandwich. The n00b will instinctively resist all form of advice of help despite any detriment this may cause.

N00bs will also react violently to any and all interaction. This is actually a defense mechanism that allows them to remain unscathed by such weapons as education and basic logic.

Once you understand that the n00b language has a naturally high, angry tone, one can translate phrases into a more basic or sane context. Observe.

N00bish: STFU 4ear my 1337 ski11z!!11one!eleven

English: I may act tough, but on the inside I'm crying like a little girl. Can I have a hug?

N00bish: dis game sux0rz!!!

English: I have come up against a challenge and rather than work harder, I have decided to devote myself to my true passion: Interpretive dance.

Though the natural n00b language can sound quite fearful and aggressive, this tone can disguise the true intent of the words spoken.

If you would like to speak to a n00b, I suggest that you do so with great caution. Any interaction can cause interesting side effects. You can actually save yourself the time by simply inserting your fingers through your eye and swirling them around in your brain.

In closing, my suggestion as a trained n00b handler would be to observe the n00b in their natural habitat, but to remain at a safe distance.

Episode 4: Like Jane Goodall

In our on going research series on the infamous n00b species, we decided that it might be educational to actually attempt to enter their society disguised as one of their own. In this way, we could gain new understanding as to their social hierarchy.

Also, it should be good for a giggle.

Our intrepid researcher first fashioned a n00b disguise. As he was a level 12 WAR, he of course subbed his level 3 whm and donned two Eremite's Rings, his starting RSE armor, and a scythe (for a n00b ritual known as "Ibeedurklatur"). Sufficiently n00bized, we observed from a short distance as our researcher joined a small herd of n00bs in Valkurm Dunes.

Attention: this researcher has studied the n00b language extensively. Do not try this at home.

Researcher>> OMGLOLORZ u needz a tank! (english: rather than ask if you need someone of my job class, I shall assume I am needed)

N00b1>> u r war/whm!!! dood, we gotz a pld! (english: by examining you job and subjob choices, I have decided that you might be a welcome addition to our team)

N00b2>> kewl!!! (english: hooked on phonics worked for me!)

Researcher>> Where's camp? (english: where's camp?)

N00b1>> wut? (english: Ironically, I do not understand what you just said)

Researcher>> were iz camp 2? (english: where's camp?)

N00b1>> pugz buy beach (english: I'm a masochist)

N00b2>> pugz is sweet xp!!! (english: I'm a moron)

Researcher>> rn't pugz a little too tuff? (english: if I'm not mistaken, we're going to get gang raped by ugly fish)

At this point in the interaction, N00b1, the party leader, takes this as challenge to his leadership. In order to maintain his status in the group, he defends his idea in a logical and intelligent manner.

N00b1>> STFU!!! PUGZ IZ GUD XP!!11! (english: are you certain? My Brady Guide says pugils are a good target)

Our researcher, not to be frightened off, reflects upon his years of study into n00b culture and chooses a response that accurately reflects his respect and succinctly explains his own position.

Researcher>> ur mom!!! (english: no, no, my friend. I believe pugils may be above our level)

N00b1>> U R TEH N00b!!11one1eleven!! (english: I was scared by a grammar book as a child)

It was at this point that our researcher suffered a brain aneurism and died.

Today's lesson: Parting with n00bs will cause you to die. Painfully. Very painfully. Like a white hot poker jammed into your brain.

Die.

Episode 5: The N00b as a Pet

Some of you intrepid adventurers may feel the desire to take a n00b as a pet. Something you can train and fashion into a companion. The n00b offers an interesting challenge in this respect, but one that can be undertaken.

Note: Do not confuse the word "can" with the word "should".

Because the n00b is born in the wild, they will instinctively resist all forms of behavior modification. Suggestions like "that will get you killed" and "level your sub, n00b" will go unheeded. A resourceful adventurer can train a n00b, but only with a great deal of work.

Step 1) Catching your own n00b

This is actually rather easy. Offer the n00b some gil or a free piece of equipment (making sure it is severely below their level and of no real use so that the n00b will want it). Once this is completed, you now have your very own n00b.

They will follow you wherever you go. They will send you tells asking for "more gilz" or help with something called a Kwest. This can actually be likened to our own Quests, but differ as the n00b will have no idea where to go, what to do, and will not have the proper items required.

Congratulations, you now have your own n00b. Whether you like it or not.

Step 2) Teaching your own n00b

This part of our procedure is quite frustrating, though sometimes amusing. You can teach your n00b the basic strategies used by actual players through a strict plan of letting them die. A lot.

You then offer them some advice and after they ignore it and die some more, they may slowly come around and accept basic thoughts.

It is important to remember though that a n00b is a n00b. You must force this information on them and they will still act stupidly. Very stupidly.

Step 3) Housebreaking you n00b

This portion of the process is often were most n00b owners break down and end up flushing their pet down the nearest toilet.

In order to speak with your new pet, you may want to offer them a place in your linkshell. This, however, can be disastrous as n00bs are frightened of smarter people and may react violently.

Let us look at a common new pet- linkshell exchange shall we.

(Player1) Everyone meet my new pet... err... friend, n00b.
(n00b) h3110
(Player2) What the hell was that?
(Player3) Ummm... Hi, I guess.
(Player1) Give him a chance guys.
(n00b) h3110 <call4>
(n00b) h3110 <call2>
(Player3) Could you please stop that?
(n00b) STFU N00b!!11one!
(Player1) NO! Bad n00b! BAD!

As you can see, the n00b does not work well with others and is prone to angry outbursts. For the safety of yourself and your linkshell, I suggest you avoid taking a n00b as a pet.

Remember: n00bs may be cute and mildly amusing, but in the long run, they're more trouble than they're worth.


Episode 6: N00b Migration

One of the most interesting characteristics of the n00b species is their attention span. Or lack thereof. A n00b will actually lose interest in any event for any of the following reasons:

1) they do not get excessive amounts of gil/exp in minimal time
2) they are not responsible for ruining someone's day
3) they saw something shiny

Truly, each member of the n00b species has an attention span rivaling that of the common mosquito. Because of this, n00bs will often migrate from one game area to another long before they should. Far more dangerous though, is their tendency to move into other online areas.

The worst example of the n00b species is the "Forum N00b." Forums exist as a means of global communication, discussion, and support. People use them to assist one another in our lives as adventurers.

N00bs, however, often find their way into these forums and, rather than actually help, will go out of their way to make trouble. This again is due mostly to translation difficulties between the n00b language and english.

Let's look at some examples.

N00b>> how do i getz lotz of gilz fast? I want 2 no how 2 make 5 jillion gil in 3 minutes or less. (english: rather than actually take the time to work hard and earn my gil over an appropriate time period, I will assume that someone must have a secret source of funds and that they will share it with me just because I asked)

N00b>> u dont need sniperz! I iz lvl 5 drk and i hit jus fine. (english: I do not understand the actual issue being discussed, but rather than research, I will base my own "expert" advice on my overly abundant experience)

N00b>> Funny how people are rating this dude up, simply because he has Guru status. The threads subject is old and has been beaten to death. (english: my sense of humor was lost in a horrible, yet tragically ironic farming accident. I, therefore, stab angrily at anyone who is considered funny because their own success makes me feel inferior. Because I am unable to put an issue in my own creative, humorous slant, I must assume that noone else can ever be funny. Won't someone please hold me?)

As you can see, in each instance, the n00b brings no useful information or thought to any discussion. They are more a waste of time and space.

In the end, looking upon the distruction caused by n00b migratory habits, one must wonder why they even bother. One must wonder why they take time out of their busy day of listening to bad emo music and trying to convince themselves that they're really cool, to access a worldwide network that makes their deficiencies readily apparent.

Do the humane thing. If you meet a n00b, hold them under water until they stop kicking. The world will thank you.

Episode 7 - N00b is contagious

Oh, thank goodness. Our study has hit a major setback. We have finally returned from a harrowing ordeal. Many researchers were lost to bring you this information.

As part of our study, we decided to track the movements and behavior of the newb as it might relate to the n00b species.

It is a common misconception that n00bs and newbs are members of the same species. This is not true. They do share many similar traits, but the newb species is non-hostile and usually well tempered.

Newbs will often have similar plumage to the n00b. Their equipment may not be level or job appropriate and their subjob may not reflect their role in society. This, however, is simply based on inexperience due to young age. Newbs will mature naturally into normal players given time and proper guidance.

Unfortunately, newbs can contract n00bism if they come into contact with a n00b during their development.

Our research team was attempting to infiltrate a group of newbs when a horrible discovery was made: a n00b was hiding amongst their number. He quickly went about his work spreading misinformation and ideas.

OH THE HORROR!

The n00bism quickly spread through the newbs until they mutated. It was horrendous. WTFs and OMGs flew madly through the air and many of my people were caught in the tide.

A group of five unsuspecting and quite normal newbs had been transformed into grammarless monsters. Numbers took the place of letters! It was pure madness! WHMs were pulling, WARs stopped voking.

We barely escaped with our lives.

Episode 8 - The Regressive N00b

Among the n00b species, there is a very odd variation known as the Regressive N00b (latin name: Thesis Misub).

Occasionally, a more experienced player will regress backwards into n00b tendencies while attending to lower level tasks. They get disoriented by the change in role (and also shiny objects), and take on the behavioral traits of the more common n00b.

Luckily, we have managed to capture a regressive n00b for study.

Well... by capture, we mean that we went to Kazham and just ended up with one. It happens a lot.

Let's take a look at a common exchange with a regressive n00b:

Player1: Guys, I found a WAR/MNK
Player1: {Hello!} {Nice to meet you.}
RegressiveN00b: hi
Player2: umm... why are you wearing lizard gear?
Player1: And you're using a dagger?!
RegressiveN00b: o thesis misub

We are not quite certain why the Regressive n00b repeats their own latin name, but it appears to be a common part of their language as they repeat it as a defense to any of their actions.

Player1: You don't have Cure II?
RegressiveN00b: thesis misub
(Translation: I apparently do not understand how the "party" system works and assume that you will allow me to leech exp from you. I am a plague on both you and society in general.)

Player1: Why are you using a scythe?
RegressiveN00b: thesis misub
(Translation: It took me long enough to learn how to use this weapon. I'm not learning another one.)

Player1: Why are you not wearing pants?
RegressiveN00b: I'm a moron
RegressiveN00b: ... and thesis misub
(Translation... no, that's a pretty good translation right there. They're morons.)

It seems that when regressive n00bs take part in lower level tasks, they like to increase the challenge by not using the correct equipment, food, spells, or prerequisite grammar.

Now, it should be pointed out that normal players will not regress in such a fashion. The individual must be a member of the n00b species (no matter how well disguised) in order to regress like this.

Episode 9: The n00b's abilities

Now you may ask yourself how such a useless, destructive creature as the n00b can continue to survive. You are probably asking yourself this because you want them to die.

That's normal.

You may also be asking yourself are there any special abilities that the n00b possesses that we should be aware of?

You talk to yourself a lot, you know.

Anyway, our research team has spent excessive amounts of time observing the n00b species in their natural habitat and have recorded a lengthy list of n00b abilities.

Passive Traits

Level 1 - Conserve letters I
- this ability causes the n00b to use as few letters as possible while trying to communicate (ex. ur, u, sum)
- may be accompanied by excessive drooling

Level 5 - Lack of subtle blow
- this causes the n00b to speak at both great length and great volume about obviously offensive topics

Level 10 - Resist Logic
- this ability enables the n00b to resist any form of coherent thought and instead rely on their own instincts (ie. stupidity)

Level 18 - Lack of Sub
- n00bs will often continue on beyond what is expected of them without a subjob, therefore hindering their ability to do their job

Level 20 - Lack of Sub II
- n00bs will still try to continue on without a subjob despite people yelling at them and pointing out the stupidity of it

Level 30 - Whine
- at this point, n00bs will start whining incessantly for help to do an advance job quest. They will have no idea what to do or where to go and may have to be carried.

Level 30 - Resist Logic II
- now equipped with an advance job, n00bs will become convinced of their own "uberness", and refuse to accept any advice.


Active Abilities

Level 1 (2 hour) - Extreme Annoyance
- when used, this ability causes any player in the surrounding area to become extremely frustrated and want to quit
- this ability is used automatically when the timer reaches zero
- this ability lasts 2 hours

Level 10 - Party Wipe
- when used, this ability causes the n00b to do something so incredibly stupid that God decides multiple people need to die for it
- this ability has no recast timer

Level 20 - Aggro
- when used, the n00b will instantly aggro everything in the area and then bring it to camp
- this is actually an interesting ability as party members can wager on what horribly grisly death is being brought to them

Level 25 - Flee (from responsibility)
- this ability causes the n00b to deny all accusations of misconduct or stupidity
- often followed by "LEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOYYYYYY JENKINS!"

Level 40 - Convert
- unlike the RDM convert, this ability allows the n00b to convert a perfectly simple task into multiple frustrations and multiple deaths


As you can see, the n00b ability list is extensive. Sadly, the list is also easy to navigate, so n00bs have little difficulty using this ability. Seriosuly, these guys can't tie their own shoes without a manual and yet they can wipe out an alliance quite easily.

Now, while many of these abilities may sound useful or interesting, it is important to note that these abilities actually override the regular abilities of any job class. But hey, who needs Provoke when you're a Paladin anyway?

Please, observe the n00b from a distance. All abilities are AoE and can affect people within a large radius.

Note: No n00bs were hurt during this study. We killed them. All of them. Then we burned the bodies and salted the earth. Then we burned the earth. A lot.

mdr, bien sympatique. mdr les abilités du noob

Lol sympa ce post ^^

j'en ai pleurer de rire XD

oh oui c bon c bon ^^

encore XD

Toutes ressemblances avec des personnes existentes ...





... serait purement fortuite????

Vraiment enorme , surtout les abilities mais il y auraient certaine correction a approter ^^

Citation :

Attention: this researcher has studied the n00b language extensively. Do not try this at home.

Researcher>> OMGLOLORZ u needz a tank! (english: rather than ask if you need someone of my job class, I shall assume I am needed)

N00b1>> u r war/whm!!! dood, we gotz a pld! (english: by examining you job and subjob choices, I have decided that you might be a welcome addition to our team)

N00b2>> kewl!!! (english: hooked on phonics worked for me!)

Researcher>> Where's camp? (english: where's camp?)

N00b1>> wut? (english: Ironically, I do not understand what you just said)

Researcher>> were iz camp 2? (english: where's camp?)

N00b1>> pugz buy beach (english: I'm a masochist)

N00b2>> pugz is sweet xp!!! (english: I'm a moron)

Researcher>> rn't pugz a little too tuff? (english: if I'm not mistaken, we're going to get gang raped by ugly fish)

C'est ca mon moment preferé lol .

La ressemblance serait fortuite ? Hmmm.... ca rappelle un air deja vu quand meme lol

Pour ceux qui veulent la suite elle existe, toujours en post sur allak mais j'ai pas retrouvé.
Ca s'appelle "How to speak nOOb" et un mec l'avait dans sa signature.

trouve la allez stp :p

tres bon post ^_^
il est tellement reel lol et bien etudié
jai bien rigoler a certains passages

Hop le post original a resurgit voila le lien, enjoy ^^

http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/forum.html?forum=10;mid=1111096072971381647;page=5

cool je suis une noob^^ hihihi

Citation :

N00B!!! (english: apparently I am confused and think you may be a member of my species. Do you know Fred?)

donc en gros :

N00B = [...] Do you know Fred?

special dedicace a quelqu'un qui s'appelle fred ...muhahah il se reconnaitra ( il est parmi nous )

C'est White????
White s'appelle fred IRL??

Par contre aucun doute c'est un nOOb aussi ^^

-_-


N00B = [...] Do you know Seb?

Speciale Dedicasse à qui vous savez ^^